Once More
by Daze G
Summary: Why? Why are they so cruel and mean and keep picking on Raz? This joke is sick and he feels sick. Slash, major angst.
1. Chapter 1

It was embarrassing. But more than just embarrassing. It was strange and inappropriate and surely, they must have. All of them must think so. He did.

Honestly, do you want to be? Well, undercover, under the mask and the cape and the disguise. But with those kids, there was no hiding anything. No denial, no secrets, because anyone could read your mind at any time. Shit. He should go to Sasha for help on that one-

But, wait, no.

He was a teenager and even though he was, those other kids were still the same. Just, well, certified Psychonauts. Raz was too, naturally, because he was one of them. One of the kids from camp. Only now, there was no camp. There was just Official. Psychonauts. Business. Saving the world's ass, several times over. Nothing too serious.

But even though, despite that he was one, a hero and all, he still went in for training. Why not? He could still use improvement.

But, he had learned, from his mistakes, to stop saying, to stop asking, to stop telling and admitting and, well. He no longer would say where he was going. No more.

_Sasha Nein's secret lab._

_Where is Sasha Nein?_

_Have you seen Agent Nein?_

_I'm going to train with Sasha Nein in his secret lab._

Like it was something to be proud of.  
Raz wasn't a showoff, he didn't mean to intimidate the other kids, never, but. That wasn't the case, at least, not now. When they had learned, he had learned, they had all learned.  
There was more to making out than just the cute girl over there, or, that hot guy. No, now, it could work either way.

But, do you think that a bunch of freaks would accept that?

Nah, it would make another freak another outcast. Someone the freaks could laugh at.

Even Lili, his damn **girlfriend**, would laugh at him.

Walking past the kids, only the kids, they would snicker and the bold ones would ask.

"Hey RAAAZZ, going to train with Sasha in his secret lab? And by train, I mean have sex. And by secret lab, I mean bedroom."

Hahaha!

All of them.

"No Bobby."

But he would go anyway, invisible and secretive. Paranoid.

"Here for more training, Razputin?"

He bit his lip and his odd face was redder and lower.

"Yes, I- I have a question."

Sasha turned on his stool, turned to face Raz, the tiny kid.

"How can I be sure that people aren't reading my mind at any time?"

One mistake, one bad thought and then they could all know.

"Ahh, paranoid are we?"

He shrugged. No, no, just careful and watching his own back. He must be the only one tired of taking this shit. Lili, after they'd have sex, would mock him.

_Don't leave me for Sasha now, Raz. I hear he's pretty good in the sack. Well, you would know. Hehehe, just kidding._

"If you know how to sense it, you can tell when someone is listening in on your thoughts. I keep all of my thoughts organized, as you know."

Yes, he knew.

"You just have to train," he smiled. This meant going into Sasha's brain, which wasn't new for him.

All the kids had been in Milla's brain. It was a giant pinball machine, happiness and dancing and lights and fun. No one else had been in Sasha Nein's head. Just Raz. No one else knew about the man's history. Just Raz. Ohh God, how his stomach twisted into knots at that. **That thought**.

"Try reading my mind." Sasha crossed his arms.

Raz did and there was empty space.

"You aren't thinking anything. At all."

"Of course I am! You just can't find my inner thought."

Did Raz really want to know? Everything Sasha said sounded so bad and wrong. And even though it was so innocent, training in order to fight and kill, it just was. The poor man had been turned into a joke and no one took him seriously anymore. But they got to laugh, Raz had to hide, ashamed.

He pointed at his head. "They are buried so deep, no one can get to them but me."

"That's cool."

Gurgle, grumble. Ahh oooh.

Why did it bother him so much? He knew they were only joking. You know, right? Yes? Yes. So who gave a damn? And why did it hurt so much and why was he blushing and sweating and uncomfortable and hot, _and why is it so hot in here?_

And why was it so appealing to feel like- looking at this man, this cold-faced, cold-blooded man, so much more than Lili, than anyone. Sex with her was nothing compared to just standing here, looking and looking and mapping out. A tingly feeling in the stomach and his heart beating and even though it was his heart it was just fast and painful and terrifying. Worse than the water. But it couldn't be-

"Ahh, Razputin?"

Ahh!

"Yeah?"

"Maybe this has been enough training for one day. I think you'd better leave."

"What? Why?" Not some stupid bullshit reason, again.

Sasha rubbed his face. "Why? **Why**? Well, well."

He collapsed.

"You are making this very difficult Razputin."

_…Huh?_

"What am I doing?" Now Raz had to be offensive, offended.

Sasha covered his face, his lips, his eyes, his nose. And his glasses leaned to one side.

"Thinking."

"Ohh."

_OOOHH!_ That, that bastard had been listening to my thoughts, right? That was it, he has been sneaking into my mind and listening to me think about him. And, ohh-_ please stop thinking!_ Wait, wait, what should he do? If Sasha knew, he knows now, then- His face must be bright red.

"Uhh, I'm sorry?" Raz said, standing, limply, perfectly, not knowing. What to do, what to do.

"Razputin- no, it's alright. Okay, now try and read my mind."

_Fine_. We'll just play pretend that-

"Ohh."

"Now do you understand?"

"Yes."

Suddenly, it didn't hurt so much. It was ironic and it made Raz chuckle, laugh, louder than the kids that made fun of him. Because, well.

"This is awkward."

Sasha agreed, nodding, still covering his face.

"Maybe I will go."

So he ran. Fast and faster and he didn't stop but he knew he'd be back. And then, then he'd be ready.

* * *

So, it was a happy ending. XD Maybe? I'm just sorry to Raz, for picking on him so much.

DOUBLE FIND PRODUCTION owns these characters. Jealous.


	2. Chapter 2

The summer is a strange season. It is long and short and hot and sticky. It's fun and bright, sunny. It always comes back, the next year, as déjà vu. Summer loves to mess with people, confusion gas at night. Yellow and thick.

"You're breaking up with me?"

Raz shrugged, half way there. "Well, yeah."

She stood and, my God, she was horrifying. Terrific. Her hands were glues to her hips, which could never stay still. She swayed and danced in her boots.

H_uur_UMPH!

"You could at _least_ give me a better reason then the whole 'we're good friends' bull. Well? **Well**? Are you mad at me for something?"

Yes, ohh yes. Well, he couldn't be sure. Was he mad or not? He needed to hit something and if he could, he'd use his pyrokinesis right now.

"No, of course not Lili."

She was just manipulative and possessive and, but, but- besides that. She just wasn't. Weeelll- attractive. Not anymore, not to him.

"Raz, I just- I have to be alone now." She left. And he left and something lit on fire.

He stretched, wandered, wondered what she wanted. Lots of the kids did this, this, this dating love game. Breaking up and dumping, cheating, sex. Scandals, a great drama. Enough gossip to fill bath tubs. And why Raz knew about any of this, he didn't… Maybe Lili had told him and he had absorbed it, unintentionally.

Yeah, yeah! Elka and Nils, Nils and Elka. They'd gone out and broken up and gotten together and fought and broken up at least 15times. Surely they'd set a record, somewhere. Would they get married and divorced and fight over who gets to own the kids? Probably. But they'd still get re-married and would probably die together.

He sat and the grass was wet. It had rained and he had missed it. To tell his girl- xgirlfriend of so-many-years that she was boring and nothing and. Maybe he should apologize. But that's it. Ending now.

It was strange, even in the summer. Even for the summer. His insides were curled and twisted around themselves. He felt, sort of, almost, _is there a word for it_? It may be more than a feeling, or just something he'd forgotten. He needed a dictionary.

Nothing had changed. That sky was still the same, even though Chloe said it was doomed and would probably be red with blood soon enough, when he was ten and young and new. It wasn't, it was just blue and there were clouds, monotone and the sun, which burned his eyes. He closed them and could see the outline of his eyelids, the blood vessels flowing and churning and his mind.

"Raz, hey."

He felt it, sharp and pointed. Tiny and dangerous.

"Get up, wake up."

Well, the sky would always be blue tomorrow, when it was light and he could come closer to being blind, further away.

Lili's face was still. Older, zits, make up. Cross and bug-eyed. Alright, so.

"Raz, I was thinking all day."

"It's night now. Hu." He sat up and she was kneeling.

"Yes, so- Look, are you gay?"

_Had she, would she, even dare to ask that?_ Why is her sense of humor so twisted like his stomach? Revenge, revenge isn't just a four letter word, it's gotta be three. Or five, a name so eternal.

He is just so. Offended. By the jokes even if they're just jokes. Now he's a joke and he really shouldn't care but it's not just about him. Why why? It's not funny.

"Raz!"

There should be a special island, in the middle of the ocean, the lake, just for him. Him and himself and him-

"I'm not gay."

_So **go** away._

He wanted to say it, so. He almost did because it hurt not to. But, there was the other side. If he didn't, if he did say it, it would mean he was loud and nosy and way fucking stupid.

"Hmm, ohh kay."

Since that girl, the girl, had asked him he had to ask something in return. An equal trade. Why, why not? Because. That's why, always why.

"Why'd you ask that? Why do all of you think that?"

She swirled her lips, her pink lips. It was dark and they glowed in the dark. _Uhh_, no words, just sounds.

"Who? They're just joking, you know, right, you know that," she whispered.

Again, all over from the beginning again, with that. Ohh please, just- he wished a mission would come up. So he could be distracted on the field and concentrate and not be alone with his thoughts. Just on auto pilot, destruction and saving lives and kicking ass. All the time.

"Yeah, cool."

His head was heavy and dizzy and things were in slow motion. The night was riddled with poison and bad drug trips. He was going on one, hitch hiking and feeling awful. Awfully sick and empty when all those other people would just look into his head and know that Sasha was in there somewhere and they would tell him about it. He knew, surely he knew. Knew what? He had no clue, even for a detective and all things fancy and glorious. But they all knew.

"Let's go to bed Raz."

But not together, he hoped. Maybe she wanted that, maybe she didn't. Did she want to sleep with a fag? Apparently she always had been.

* * *

I decided to continue this story. I hated the ending. Ahh, yep- More Raz torture.

Said mentioned characters belong to the Double Fine Productions. Pas moi.


	3. Chapter 3

If he was right, he would've known it, felt it. But he didn't feel that at all. He was tired and drained and wished sleep was easy. Lying down and getting comfortable was only half way there, and that was hard, harder. Hardest.

He's always there, stuck in neutral with no turning around. It's impossible to move forward, in this state. This state of weakness, thinking and feeling and something else. And now he's alone, without Lili and the world is gone, dismissed from his mind. Replaced. He misses adventures and wants one.

There'd always been one, since the circus, there was at least. He could drive and wave and smile, but this. This was something, so difficult and painful and bloody. He sneezed so hard that blood came out, splattered on the wall and his pillow and his face. He was allergic. He had a cold. He was sick _sick_ **sick**.

Raz had always explored his mind. No one had been in his, not before. Not like this man was. Sasha, ohh Sasha, sickly sweetness. And he wanted proof. He was thinking and watching, viewing a movie in his head. A slide show. Sasha was there and the movie was a matinee. It'd been the longest running show. But there'd been no reviews before, nothing like this.

If people told him so, then it must be. They think, therefore I am. He'd never realized or explored or nothing. If Sasha had always been there, why did he not know he was- gay? He was gay? He was?

He'd seen it in the past. Sasha would think it and Raz had heard it in his mind. At least, once, he remembered. Was that an illusion? When had that happened? Had he seen Sasha since then, since Sasha had told him? Or, rather, he let him. Let Raz see, listen, know and view this secret. His secret, their secret.

But, _no_. He'd told Raz, the man. He'd shown him and it was him. Raz was there in Sasha's mind. He was there and outside looking in at himself and it was strange and wrong, so wrong, and odd and just. Wow.

What a headache Raz possessed.

There was always breakfast time and for once, he wanted to stay in bed. But abnormal didn't mix nor fit. So he got up and made his bed and took a shower and got dressed and left his room. The door was locked and shut tight in its frame. There were no windows to look into and no peephole to look out from. Just the empty, wooden door. It was old and tired and looked sad. Like it fit in place, but didn't want to be there, guard its secret.

"Hey, Fagzputin!" Spit, everywhere, possibly on his official Psychonauts uniform. Disrespect and humiliation. And Benny's black eye matched Bobby's fist.

Benny snorted and then not only was there spit and saliva, but snot as well. Raz looked down and saw nothing but felt it anyway. It was.

"Bobby, I think your hair is starting to take over your brain." His hands trembled.

Bobby snorted and even though Raz was a pacifist at heart, he told himself to do it anyway. He wanted to **so** badly, like he'd been waiting. But-

"Back off Raz," Bobby threatened. And it was serious, names were at stake.

So Raz looked at them and took a step forward. They were ugly and glaring and angry, which was nothing new. Nothing unusual or or anything. Just aggravating. And if only his hair would stay behind his goggles, then everything would be okay.

"Move, I'm hungry and breakfast is waiting." He could smell the bacon, sauntering past Bobby and Benny and Bobby's hair.

"But Sasha's room is in the other direction. Ha-_ha_."

He shifted, reversing his body and facing them again. Bobby was smirking and Benny had no expression. He stood back, behind, worried. And Raz stood still and firm. He was past disgusted. He wished he could and he wanted to, but he didn't. He never would. _Just ignore them, they don't actually mean it_. Though they do.

In the dining hall, Raz's fried eggs boiled. Steam. The bacon was placed in the shape of a face, smiling. His stomach gurgled and whirled, but he wasn't hungry. He looked around the room, seemingly bored and incomplete. Raz smiles, almost, child like and empty. He stands and walks. He dumps his smile into the garbage.

"Hey Dogen."

Dogen set down his fork and picked his fork up and looked at his fork. "Hi Razz umm I'm not supposed to be talking to you."

"Why not?" He blinks.

"The-the other kids told me not too," he snuffles and slides his hand under his nose. "Not unless I want to be called names too."

Ohh. "Ohh. I understand."

Dogen puts his fork in his mouth and taps his helmet. "Sorry Raz."

Raz shuffles away and know how it hurts, it must feel. That way. And so he decides that it's time for this to end.

"Knock, knock, tap."

"Is that you Razputin?"

Raz took his hand off the door and put it behind his back. Sigh. Now.

"Yes, hi," the door opens.

Sasha Nein was sitting and reading, looking down now up. He smiled like he had forgotten. He looked the same and probably felt that way too. Raz was so afraid now, unusually so, like drowning and choking and sobbing.

"I have not seen you in a while," he says and he folds his papers and puts them away. Like the newspaper, in the mornings, drinking coffee at the table. Something that married couples do. And.

"Razputin, are you feeling fine?"

Raz was dizzy and blushing and _wait why am I here?_ he has forgotten. He stands and is looking and if he runs now, that's the end. So he doesn't move, but his lips want to. His tongue does. Blood, thick and rich. Breakfast.

"Yes I'm fine well I just wanted to talk to you so… Yeah."

Sasha stands and beckons and Raz stumbles and sits and he feels lightheaded, underwater, and he may just faint.

"Would you like some coffee?"

He doesn't drink it but-

"Sure."

Sasha leaves so Raz sits back, his feet barely touching the ground. His face is warm, he knows, he can feel it and in his mind it's there. It's hot and there's heat surrounding him, his face is burning. Under his nose is black coffee in a plain white mug. No stains.

"You don't look too good. Or are you just tired?"

Raz stares and takes the cup and for once their hands touch. And even with gloves on, both of them. There are no fingerprints and now Raz knows there is more. He tries the coffee and it tastes heavy, swallowing it is like a mud slide. He doesn't like it.

"Sasha?" He manages, but he can't.

Sasha leans down, squatting in front of Raz. Raz takes a gulp. Heavy and uncomfortable.

And then there is them and their lips.

* * *

Uhm, yeah.

Psychonauts is not mine, that's fer sure.


	4. Chapter 4

He coughed, hacked, cleared his throat. He could still taste the coffee and those chilled lips. He looked up down all around. Just not there.

"Have you ever thought, just once, that you were alone? The world, this place-"

And something inside him died when he said that. And he was alone once again and begging and screaming and that dying, dead thing. It was rotting. He never meant it. It was done. He had done it. His own two lips, the culprits. The regret was beginning to leak out. After the shock.

With this, but, now, there was something. And it was new. Nothing else. He looked towards it.

He sounded like an alien. But he sounded nothing like _her_. Like Chloe, the wise little girl. Along with the others she was gone now and there he was again. Sitting on that seat and staring at Sasha who never took off his glasses.

"All the time. We are all alone, Razputin."

He was supposed to be a mentor and supposed to be giving sage advice, but here and there he was. No clean nothing comforting or supportive or happy. Truth. Supposedly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

If Raz heard that one more time, he might break down. Further and deeper into the pit. With no way out, no powers no savior. Just further even together.

"You know perfectly well what it means." And with great seriousness.

And what sort of a teacher tells a student that?

_Existence is meaningless._ Life _is meaningless_. You.

Some philosophy bullshit. Ohh God, just a personal belief. A personal lie. Lying to oneself? Possibilities and answers and only one way-

To challenge this and all those other fucking kids.

"You're just saying that- because that's what you are. What you feel. All you feel. Nothing and emptiness. You're just a tired lonely man."

Suppression and sickness.

A lost, corrupted hero. No longer.

The boy was surprised at his rage and had never done so before. He was in and out of his mouth came this. Existence like nothing.

"Maybe."

Maybe! _Maybe?!_ Raz frowned and shoved the mug into Sasha's hands. Sasha stepped back as Raz stepped forward and out the door.

"You're sick."

They both were.

Except for Milla. He never went to her for advice, unlike the other kids. He always went to Sasha Nein. Except now, well-

"Razputin! I have not seen you in a long time," she grabbed his hands, cheerfully. In a very different way then Sasha had.

Raz couldn't help but smile. Milla's office was the extreme opposite of Sasha's; loud, exuberant, colorful, happy, fun. She was the "best friend" type of counselor. Good cop bad cop.

She welcomed him with an orange couch and hot chocolate, even in summer. It looked exactly like coffee but it tasted sweet. Almost too sweet.

"So, tell me darling," she started and stopped.

Raz sputtered. "Tell you what."

Milla smiled and her eyes twinkled. She put a warm, naked hand on Raz's shoulder. She knew, surely. Well, everybody else did.

"What is the matter with you! Of course. How are you feeling."

Raz sat forward and leaned back again. His green uniform appearing new against the orange.

"Ohh. I'm fine."

The woman smiled. "Then why did you come here?"

The boy frowned. "I can't have a reason for visiting you?"

Milla stood up, swirling her hips to match her dress. A question to a question.

"Come now, dear. I **know** why you are here. You don't just visit me- No, no, I understand. You are very busy with your work."

Work. What work?

"I'm sorry?" He tries. He makes a point to visit her more often. Even in such an uncomfortable time, he misses her.

She sighs and breathes in.

"Ohh, darling, you are just like him," she smiles. "So much like him. You are almost the same person, I am sure."

Oh no oh no- this is just what he wanted to avoid! Even her, even Milla.

He is silent. His hot chocolate is cold, but the mug is warm. He sweats, wishes these uniforms were thinner.

He stops, holds his breath, listens to her. Watches her sit and close her eyes and dream of the past. Taking the hint, he closes his eyes and does the same. He remembers.

When he was ten, Sasha was his hero. Milla was wonderful and he knew it.

When he was eleven, Milla held Sasha's hand. Sasha pulled his gloves on tighter.

Lili cuts her hair the next year. She hates it, hates change. Raz likes it.

Raz gets a hicky from Lili. He pokes at it while training with Sasha. Sasha adjusts his glasses.

When he is fourteen, he watches Sasha smile.

At fifteen, he loses his virginity to Lili. He watches Lili smile. Everything will be okay.

When he is sixteen he breaks up with Lili, kisses Sasha. Milla holds his hand and tells him that everything really will be okay. She lets go, he lets go. He grabs onto something else; a thin red line connecting him from point A to point B.

So quickly have his emotions fluctuated. He feels tranquil and peaceful and yet he doesn't give a damn. He wants to learn, he wants to move on, let go. Even when Bobby calls him a faggot, he keeps walking. Even when Lili punches Bobby in the face for calling Raz a faggot, he keeps walking. Even when she smiles at him and wipes her face, he walks to an open door.

He felt like he was walking in on a ghost. And- speak of the Devil.

Agent Nein leans over his desk, blue. Smoke encircles his head. For such an immaculately clean man, it is surprising that he has such an addictive, disgusting habit. But even something so dirty can smell and taste so good.

Raz smirks. "That stuff can kill you, you know."

The older man lifts his head and brushes back his hair. He grins.

"What can't?"

And the door stays open.

* * *

OY VEY. I finally finished this damn story. Hate the ending, but I don't care.

This characters belong to Double Fine, yo. C:


End file.
